After getting back to Crab lands, the journey back to the capital of Tokai was blessedly uneventful—almost.
One morning they had arisen to find Maiko missing. The Mantis woman had eventually been found some distance from camp… stark naked amidst the half-eaten remains of a dead oni. The tableau couldn’t possibly be what it looked like, but Maiko, wearing nothing but daemon blood, had not been forthcoming with details. When they had given her something to cover herself and returned to the camp, Maiko had given Sang some explanation that the samurai had nodded to but not believed for an instant. While Sang had enough sense not to accuse the Mantis of lying, it left her with the troubling thought that either Maiko didn’t trust her enough to divulge the truth (whatever it was), or was afraid of how the truth would be reacted to.
Maiko had reportedly been violently sick some time after the incident, and Sang had kept an observant but not unkind eye on the woman. She was unsure why Maiko had decided to continue to accompany the party to Tokai rather than return to her ship, but suspected the kami they had somehow picked up on that island was involved somehow. This thought both comforted and troubled her. She believed that if the kami was still with Maiko, then surely Maiko would be under its protection. Perhaps that was how she had single-handedly defeated that oni without even needing weapons?
Sang didn’t want to press the issue further if the kami had indeed been involved. The cleric on the island had made it clear the kami looked upon Sang with disfavour (which had deeply shocked her), and she did not want to risk offending this one. She only wished she knew what she had done to anger them so. The thought that she was not properly serving the spirits of her people sat like lead in her heart.
Despite the worries on her mind, after shipwrecks and sharks it was a relief to be home. And on dry land. And in the company of other Crab. She had become aware of the distance her new position had put between her and a less exalted samurai. Her countrymen were as boisterous as ever in her presence (Crab tended not to stand on ceremony), but more… careful about it. It was a strange feeling. While it hadn’t been unexpected, Sang felt a certain loss. She’d never again really share the old camaraderie she’d grown up with all her life. It was the only unhappy note in the whole affair, realising that although she was home it didn’t feel like it once had. At least, until she, Maiko, Isadora, Shinobu and the escort reached Tokai.
Kaji and his escort rode from the great gates of the city to meet them, and Sang’s joy at seeing him again was overshadowed as she immediately marked the strain on her husband’s features. She had been gone maybe three weeks. She wondered privately how much of it was stress of a position he had never expected to hold. Lord Hida Shinji had told her that Kaji had increased security on the Wall, but there had been no major offensives on the Shadowlands’ part.
Resolving to speak to him in private later, Kaji invited the nobles and diplomats to join him for rest and refreshments, which they of course accepted. He welcomed the arrival of Isadora and the Mantis diplomat with courtesy and no real enthusiasm, as though he was too preoccupied with other concerns to bother with them for now.
When refreshments and talk of their various adventures had ended, Kaji and Sang left the table together and immediately returned to their shared room in the citadel. No sooner had the door slid shut than he was tugging her armour off, and she was only too happy to be led to their bed and feel him in her arms again. She had missed him, and would be leaving again too soon.
But something was wrong. He was distant, almost cold. There was no passion or emotion, and when Sang realised this she was afraid of what the reason could be.
“Tell me what’s on your mind,” she murmured at the end.
And to her shock and hurt he rose from the bed. “I have duties to attend,” he said brusquely. Donning his clothes he left the room.
Sang stared speechlessly at the door, still sitting in the bed, almost failing to comprehend what had just happened. When it finally sank in it felt like her heart had been seized in a great claw. It took considerable effort to calm herself, get up and dress.
Perhaps he was just busy. She wanted to believe it was nothing more than that, but couldn’t. She felt gutted by his curt attitude.
Give him time. Talk to him later.
Composing herself again as only a Crab could, she left the room to see to some errands of her own.
And later in the day, another meal. Again, once Kaji and Sang had finished, they both rose and departed together. Realising where they were headed for the second time that day, Sang said, “What are you doing?”
Kaji replied, “I thought that would be obvious.”
Normally Sang wouldn’t have objected at all, but there was not a trace of warmth in his voice. She pulled free of the hand on her arm and stopped walking. In a harder voice, she demanded, “What are you doing?”
He regarded her coolly. “It is our duty to produce an heir for the throne.”
Sang almost gaped at him. The claw gripping her heart sank its talons in. “That’s all this is to you? A duty?”
“It’s very important. Think of that in our bed if nothing else stirs you.”
She barely gave it a thought and he didn’t see it coming. Her right fist connected with his jaw in a full punch. Kaji staggered back a step then glared at her in outrage.
“HOW. DARE. YOU.”
“How dare YOU!” she snarled. “Have you completely lost your mind? What is going on?!”
“Unlike some I don’t have the leisure to flit around the world at will,” he retorted, though his voice was still clipped and controlled. “I have a duty to the Crab to produce an heir and so do you!”
The unfairness of his first statement made Sang grit her teeth. She’d never asked to leave the Crab lands and had never wanted to. She was compelled by her own duties. Her first instinct was to tell him that she was going to be leaving again for Epiac tomorrow, with no small relief if this was what waited for her at home, but knew this would be a bad move.
“The world is larger than just our lands,” she said, trying to sound reasonable.
“I am sick of hearing about the rest of the world,” he replied, still glaring at her. “My responsibility is here.”
Sang tried to control her emotions. “What do you want?” she asked.
It was like prodding a festering wound. “What do I want?” he echoed, pain and anger flashing in his eyes. “I want things back the way they were! I have lost my father. I have lost my brothers. I have lost my freedom.”
“If you’re not careful,” Sang said quietly, her heart sinking, “you will lose me, too.”
“You have a duty to this clan just as I do,” he said, scowling at her. When she didn’t reply, he added, “I will not be last of my line on the throne!”
Anger boiled up within her again. “For all we know I could already be pregnant,” she snapped.
“There is no harm in making sure,” he said coldly.
She did not turn to stalk away from him; he might have ordered her to stop and come back. She did not nod with meek subservience and go with him to their room.
She faced him squarely, masked her pain with a look of loathing and said, “If that is all that I mean to you now, and that is all that matters…” her voice was icy with disdain. “…then get it over with.”
He stared at her for a moment, fists clenching and unclenching, then she heard him draw his wakizashi. Sang felt herself rooted to the spot, unwilling to believe Kaji would strike her down but unsure who this man was anymore. Kaji lifted the blade and, his angry gaze never leaving hers, threw it to the ground at her feet.
“You have taken everything else from me,” he said in a tone of cold fury, then turned his back on her and strode away.
Sang held her ground and posture until he had disappeared, then slowly looked down at the discarded blade. It had left a gash in the wooden floor, she noticed in a detached way. She tried to breathe. Had he just blamed her for everything he was going through?
You are Crab. Control yourself, girl…
Crouching, she picked up Kaji’s wakizashi and straightened again, gazing meditatively at the polished steel and wishing she had someone, anyone, to counsel her. She couldn’t leave things like this. She loved Kaji—it wouldn’t hurt so damned hard if she didn’t. Her fingers tightened around the tsuka as she tried to think beyond herself and puzzle out what was wrong with him.
His father assassinated on the day of their wedding… his brothers killed in the Shadowlands invasion… his wife of mere days leaving to take the fight to Thyrul’s doorstep…
Three weeks of being in a position he had never been prepared for or thought he would possess in his wildest dreams. The youngest son had been pretty much free of weighty responsibilities, until everything had been thrust upon his shoulders. War, the weight of position, no time to grieve because his position demanded an outward display of strength, no one to talk to…
But I offered to listen to him talk and he brushed me aside…
Afraid that he might lose his wife as he had lost his family.
Distance yourself, remove emotion, remove feelings of attachment… it won’t hurt as much when your loved ones die.
Sang knew that tune. She had no idea how to make it change, but she wouldn’t accomplish it standing here…
She found Kaji in one of the fortress’s training rooms, systematically going through each of the practise dummies with his no-dachi. The floor was already a mass of wreckage and spilled stuffing, and the room deserted besides from herself, Kaji and one other… Sang peered to see. Maiko? The Mantis was making use of one of the remaining dummies, but keeping a wary eye on Kaji.
Sang held back, wondering how she should do this… and wondering what exactly she intended to do. Perhaps she should wait until Kaji made a few more dummies explode? Maybe he just needed to let out some of his pent-up emotions.
So she waited… and Kaji tore through the rest of the dummies until there was only one left, and Maiko standing stubbornly in front of it as though preparing to defend it.
Realising that a confrontation was inevitable, Sang started to move across the room.
“Leave,” Kaji ordered Maiko.
Maiko lifted her chin and glared. She didn’t move.
“I AM THE KING!” Kaji shouted at her.
“Is this how you treat all your guests?” Maiko retorted.
Kaji lifted his no-dachi threateningly.
Sang didn’t know if he’d really do it, and wasn’t prepared to wait and find out. She moved towards them more quickly and reached out a hand to touch Kaji’s shoulder just as his weapon started to descend. Maiko ducked out of the way, and Sang tried her best not to flinch when the huge blade whirled as Kaji spun to face whoever had dared interrupt. The no-dachi’s deadly path halted a finger’s breadth from Sang’s neck.
Surprise registered in Kaji’s eyes and he lowered the weapon. An instant later, though, his face was masked by cold indifference.
At a loss for what to do next, unable to endure that expression any longer, Sang wordlessly stepped closer and hugged him. Almost instantly she felt his entire body stiffen, as though she had just mortally insulted him. She closed her eyes tight, fears and doubts assailing her. She had no idea what else to do. All she knew at this point was that if he pushed her away… it would break a part of her beyond repair.
And then she felt him tremble as sobs shook him. His no-dachi clattered to the floor. His arms came around her for support as the grief of the past weeks was finally acknowledged, and Sang, tears streaming silently down her own face, uncaring if anyone still watched, managed to lower them both to their knees amidst the wreckage of the room…